


A Clear Mind

by silverjewelkitten



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Star Wars: The Last Jedi - Fandom
Genre: F/M, and Leia shows mercy, but Ben makes some good decisions, not quite a pardon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 10:32:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14211240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverjewelkitten/pseuds/silverjewelkitten
Summary: Without Snoke's manipulative influence, Ben realizes he must change.





	A Clear Mind

It is impossible to describe the feeling of being alone in his own head, once Snoke is gone—something like silence, maybe. At first, thoughts move by languidly, without direction or purpose. Slowly, the metaphorical doors to doubt, once so adamantly locked and boarded, creak open, and light spills in, illuminating dreams he’s long forgotten, fears he’s so often hidden from sight. 

Small and alone, in his mind, is the frightened boy whose name he abandoned. He extends his hand, and finds only himself reaching back. But that’s okay. He can be the person he needed when he was young. He can become a man strong enough to cast out the dark. “I’ll help you.” He echoes her words. It had taken her faith in him to awaken the truth. He has to save himself. 

It has always been his burden. 

Ben Solo becomes stronger, strong enough to accept the reality of his sins. His father. Whole worlds. Needless sacrifices to a cause he never belonged to, but sacrifices all the same. 

Penitence feels an insurmountable task. Nothing can erase his past mistakes, but he is not doomed to repeat them. He breathes in his anger, holds it, and then lets it go. 

As a child he lacked control, and as an adult, even more so. Emotions were too powerful, and discretion too precious to waste on anything other than rage, but outside of the whisper of his dead master, the others spill in. Overwhelming. Raw. Regret the most powerful of all. 

He doesn’t know how to lead, but he knows how to fight, how to rebel. In the cover of night, he frees the storm troopers, incites them to rise up, swallowing back pride and aiding in their rebellion. It’s not a fair fight. Storm troopers outnumber officers a thousand to one. And his own power is worth hundreds of men. Those who don’t surrender are imprisoned, many begging for death before imprisonment. 

He is tired of killing. So he doesn’t. 

On his knees, Hux spits in his face. “Traitor.” He could destroy him. He lifts a hand, choking off his oxygen. It would be so easy, but at the end, he thinks of his mother, and lowers his hand. Hux gasps in air greedily. “Scum.” He doesn’t disagree. 

In mere hours, the primary fighting force for the First Order is neutralized. Troopers with nowhere to go board smaller vessels headed for brighter horizons. Ben watches them go, thousands upon thousands. And the heaviness of his sins is unchanged by their passing. 

Some try to stay behind. They know nothing else. Armed with supplies, he sends them away. Tells them to find a cause. 

He seeks out his mother in the force. Wills her to understand the choice he’s made. Surrenders it all. The boy inside his mind smiles at him. Squeezes his hand. 

In chains he is paraded in front of the Resistance. Awaiting his sentence, he spies her amongst the onlookers. Rey. She shuffles through towards him. Her eyes are ready to burst, glistening with tears. “Can you at least tell me why?” He sees that she knows what’s to come: nothing less than exile or death. 

“Because you reminded me who I am.” And because she’s here, and he loves her like he’s never loved anyone, and it may be the last time he sees her, he kisses her. He’s not any good at it. Her tears slide onto his face, and he rubs his cheek against hers as he pulls away. She’s so beautiful. He commits her to memory. Her sunbaked skin, dotted with freckles, the scrunch of her brow—files it away for safe-keeping. 

“Ben.” She whispers, stunned. Even with red eyes and a quivering lip, she makes him happy. He turns back to her, and smiles. If he is to die, then at least he could hear her say it again. “I don’t want to lose you.” 

His mother clears her throat. They both look towards her, snapped out of their reverie. “Are you even paying attention?” She puts a hand on her head, massaging some invisible ache. 

Sheepishly, he shakes his head. It’s been a long time since he was admonished by his mother. 

“Due to your massive contribution to the war effort of the First Order, it is clear that you cannot go unpunished.” Ben looks down, accepting his fate. Leia sighs. “However, given your skillful insurrection of the entire First Order fleet, and willing surrender to the Resistance, it would be improper of me to leave this deed unrewarded. So, until an appropriate sentencing can be decided, you will be aiding the Resistance forces in destabilizing First Order control in major systems.” Ben looks confused, and hopeful. Leia narrows her eyes at him, “With strict supervision, of course.” 

Rey clutches at his arm, barely holding back tears, grinning widely. Maybe, for once, he will have the chance to make things right. He looks over to her, and exhales air he didn’t know he was holding. She exudes light and the promise of love. He looks back to his mother and drops to his knees, head bowed. “Thank you.” 

The barest hint of a smile graces Leia’s mouth. “Welcome home.”


End file.
